Distant Lovers.

The Love between two individuals shouldn't have a distance.

but sometimes you want a hug or kiss from each other instant.

Being thousands of miles away from eachother

worrying about about if your only lover found another lover.

It becomes harder every moment you without your other half.

While missing eachother hurts with the feelings of doubts and sad.

things change , and so do the two

the mind starts to wander of wondering ,

if long distant loving is for you.

everyday text and everyday 

calls turn into a few texts a week and no calls at all.

All of a sudden the hope and faith you had for the distant loving left,

leaving you with the memories and eachothers belongings eachother kept.

The timing was so wrong , but it felt so pleasing at the moment.

leaving you stuck with the kisses and hugs 

you'll never forget .

hoping wasnt enough , loving eachother

internationally.

When really we didnt think carefully 

we forgot about reality .

just venting

dont wanna rain on no ones parade ; but as the days go by , i tend to question everything or maybe i just overthink alot of stuff.  People may not know, but i see right thru alot of things. I hate when people sugarcoat shit and hates when people "beats around the bush" to get shit out. Like fuck , seriously ? nothings going to hurt my feelings . What feelings <-- is what i think sometimes. What feelings do i have to offer anyone anyways ? theyve all been crushed , chewed up , and threw away. heartless ill say ; Im only sweet when i wanna be but no one can change how i am. A non-caring person; Its like I wanna care so bad but i always expect the worst and in the end the shit you already knew wont be so bad or suprising. Or maybe is it just me. Maybe im too deep and too serious or maybe that person may think im just a total bitch ! maybe i am...Until someone can show me and prove to me that they are not like the others, shit will change..until then idgaf still ; I just need some understanding, but yet no one understands. they say they do but they really dont. Unless someone has been in my shoes they dont understand shit i say or shit that i have or am going thru...but you know what , i dont expect for noone to understand shit ; people dont think as i do. so much is on my mind right now, so deep i dont even wanna write it . fuck it. itll stay in there until i feel like venting more . as for now fuck this, fuck them , and fuck that. fuck everything ...yeah ; im [angry] i dont care.

ive been through many obstacles in this young life of mine , and still manages to stay strong and smile , when these secrets of mine are tearin me apart.

The little things in life are the most special moments that count.
Having someone who loves you and with the love you give by no amount.
Smiling over text messages , which made your day no doubt.
Having that one person you make as a priority , who teaches you what love is about.

The moments when your life is not perfect by far but you still have that one person by your side.
doing everything in mind without having anything or anyone to abide by.
The days you feel like giving up but that person passes and you give it one more try.
Now knowing that sometimes someone out there does care, and that not everyones love is  a lie.

The more special feelings like being with that person , holding them to know that they are there.
kissing them to let them know that you do care.
waiting to grow more and more in love with eachother
calling them not only your bestfriednd but your lover ♥

Alot of things been hurting my feelins lately ; when i do get my feelings hurt , its like another regular day.(sigh) owell

waiting for his text to come thru , as ya telling ya friends how in love you are.
needing someone to talk to , wanting to talk to him , but hes never there.
telling you that he loves you , but not wanting a relationship ;
saying hes not ready , cuhs he talks to other females, nothing ambivilant.
hes the only one you want , but you dono if he wants the same, you have the spark , all you need is the flame.
one minute he makes you smile , the next its a frown;
you found out something by observing and putting things together.
at first your sad but then feels the cutting of anger.
you wanna be mad but theres nothing suprising.
just the love you didnt want to be so blindly.
love that im not looking for anymore , love that can come find me.

her cure

Getting up shaking

ribs showing tru her skin

body filthy , walking scarcely to get her coat;

going through all of it , just to get one dose;

walking down city alleys with hills she can barely walk in,

looking for the one thing that make her feel better in life,

letting people take advantage of her just to get it.

sticking her arm while she tilts her head on the brick wall

as the tears quietly dripped upon her face.

the black eyeliner covering her cheeks

her minds racing,

people running ; cars coming

towards her people following her

shes high; wants to be high of life

instead inside its killing her, that little drug she calls her cure.

nowhere to sleep or lay her head on

but the trashy city sidewalks.

nowhere to bathe , no money to eat

not caring about that .the needle is all she needs.

wrist drippin blood

glass was the cutter,

relieving pain making everything feel better;

no one cared anyway

she didnt even care.

her cure made her problems runaway

just for a minute.

she hated life

had no strength

hated everyone

it was just her

killing her body

inside and out

fuck it

dose number 100

let end it.....

sin in the rain.

longing in the rain;
take my hands , there open , baby dont be scared ;
im right here..
walking towards me;
but naked just skin , while the rain drips from their chin , baby walk towards me as we begin this sin.
lets get high off love ;
getting drunk off each others kisses ; while he touches my misses ; lets began our mixes, our mixes of juices.
caressing each other;
on the sidewalk , as our bodies forelock , were everywhere baby almost to the crosswalk;
its pouring down rain;
whispering while hes inside , i just wanna take you their , inside my deepsides , wet like a waterslide.
this is what were here for ;
pleasing eachothers needs , on each other we feed , loving one another indeed';
finishing at the end;
its a black and white picture ; my hands become bracer , as his face becomes closer..
grabbing me;
a hard squeez with his soft hands , we both took what we can, as our bodies expands.
the aftermath of lovemaking;
still kissing and touching , we were in the rain now the suns blazing, our bodies are glaring , together were clinging , we sit naked in the sun after lovemaking.

times like this..

is a reminder of why im ready to leave;

thanks mom, for being there

when i really needed you.



repetitive loving

Have you ever felt all alone , and then suddenly someone pops up into your life ..
while they hold you ; it feels as if you dont have to fight anymore, for whats right.
 As they sit and stare in ya eyes ; the glare in their eyes makes you wanna give love a try..
sitting there holding eachothers hands , feeling their soft touch , while ya pulse of ya heart expands..
expanding so fast that they can feel it thru their fingers ; thinking deep inside , they can be a heartbreaker.
you both kiss while sitting under the gloomy weather , the kiss was so supple , it made the night even brighter..
one hug can mean so much ; just a tight one can have you lovestruck.
your thinking in your head this is to good to be true ; too good to be true to have anyone love you..
your happy that this time finally arrived , thinking the love you have that no one can divide..
as time goes by your hoping it gets even better; having that special person, ya only lover.
your starting to see changes ; different arranges
in the beggining you saw you and your lover going down the alter ; and at the end ; you saw they were nothing but like the others.

"that special someone"

have you ever met someone , that someone that you knew that was special;
that special someone you didnt wanna let go , as they held you so soft and gentle.
aha that special someone who you fall asleep on the phone with.
yeah the one who gives yo butterflies as you kiss.

you know thier special when all you do is smile at their text ;
someone who dont always bring up sex.
the one you dont wanna let go and just hold so tight.
so that the love between the two could strike ,..ignite.

lets get matching tattooes, yeah that type of special person.
that special person were the love is almost certain;
the one you can go on corny dates with, and drink from the same straw
the special someone whos on speed dial when they call. :)

holding hands while smiling from ear to ear.
while talking freaky in front of society and not care.
yea that kinda person.who loves/likes you from deep within.
the one and only that can fill your heart ; the part that needs to be filled in.

the person no one else can compete with at any moment.
the love you been looking for or at least has the potent.
that special someone you can just cuddle with naked and not do anything.
and hold each other and just look in eachothers eyes with all by means.

okay so that one person youve been looking for and they finally arrive;
at the right place and the right time.no time that anyone can buy.
the only ones company that you enjoy
company no one else can destroy.

its always good to have that "special person" someone new.
that special person whos been looking for someone like you;

dont you hate;

when somone has feelings for you,

but you dont have feelings for them..

but the person you do have feelings for;

act like they dont have feelings for you...

what i really need to stop doing,

is saying i dont give a fuck about someone

and deep under my skin i really do.

i just feel the less i gaf , the less i get hurt.

but i fucked up and started giving a fuck,

and look at me now.

HURT

i may not act like it , but i am

i keep saying

FUCKIT

but i cant help but to think about

now i understand.

when you have feelings for someone

let them know; cuhs it may be to late

in the end.

FUCK HIM!!!!!!!!

>=( , ~>:( , =[ ,  ='[

I  FUCKING LOVE YOU!

what do you not understand

i mean i act like i dgaf ;

but sometimes i do....

i do have feelings

A time when you finally give in; and put your trust in someone;

and then its ruined by their lies.

yeah

its called fucking [BETRAYEL]

FUCK YOU

cunt.

what she hated the most.

She hated when someone tried to look into her eyes

she hated when someone wanted her to look them in the eyes.

"she was afraid she might shed tears at any minute"

she hated when someone asks her does she need someone to talk to.

but she can give advice to anyone who asked;

but couldnt take her own;

she hated when someone told her she needs to go to church,

she was told she will go to hell.

but her mind is already in it;

but what she hated the most was being around so many people

because no one ever will understand

"understand what she is feeling"

save me from my the evil thoughts alluring in my head

its making me go crazy inside;

kill my braincells , i wouldnt care

im like a maniac ready to kill;

my heart is cold, FUCK THIS

POW!!!!

its to late.

sometimes..my own thoughts scare me;



-secret lovers

as the rain drops surrounded the outside
making the loud noise, as the sensual music played in the night
as the rain poured harder, her lady part got wetter.
she had red panties on , which meant she wanted this time to be sensual, slow, and soft.
as she caressed his manhood he whispered alluring things into her ear.
he arosed even more as she kissed the side of his hip.
they were taking it slow as if they had all the time in the world.
they stared into eachothers eyes as if they loved eachother deeply.
he kissed her from her forhead to her toes as she closed her eyes and loved everybit of it.
as she was ready to put his manhood into her ladypart he still took it slow.
he kissed every bit of the body from the back sides and the front.
As she flipped him over she began doing the same..
Their song came on "Anytime,Anyplace" by janet jackson.
which topped off the mood. she slowly put his manhood into her ladypart as he steady looked into her eyes as if he wanted to know what was going thru her mind.

HIS THOUGHTS : i cant love her ! i have a wife. wtf am i doing?
HER THOUGHTS: i think im falling for this nigga. but i cant; i have a husband.

As he was deep inside her , and as she caressed and enjoyed every bit of him the rain stopped. but they kept going on for hours and hours until the sunset came.

as they finished they looked into eachothers eyes and both of them shedded a tear.
his tear sorrowed down the left side as hers did the right;

they couldnt help it;

it was love they were feeling.

it was no secret anymore;

what is love without pain

When people ask me whats the definiton of love i tell them
 "giving a person the right to hurt you, but trusting them not to."
it makes sense right. as if your letting a person through to you and trusting them not to rift that trust.

but as they say, "what is love without pain?"
well i wouldnt know, because thats all ive had is pain.
someone you truley love hurts you and your stuck with the memory fa life.

but then theres someone out there that is waiting for someone like me and you.waiting to reel us in to bandage the divisioned heart and to heal up the scars internally.

but why we ask, why us?
why would someone want to really love and treat with as respect.
well maybe because theyve been thru the same and needs someone to comfort them as we need it to.

who know though.... people fill up someones head like a internet ad to kill viruses.
at least thats what we wish they did but instead of killing a virus, they can kill the pain. but its mostley all lies; all lies that we believe but one day well realize, and one day well see.
hopefully.

so i ask again what is love ,
or what is love without pain?

internet lover ;

why do i think about you so much
and i dont even know you
ive had dreams of you your soft touch
and dreams of what you may do.

i feel as if im obssessed with ya looks and ya seamless caress.
when i look at ya pictures its seems as if ya take away the stress.

it seems as if i have an ambivilant relationship.
because i hate that i dont know you
but i love who i picked.

ya eyes are so exquisite
and ya skin is so supple
im sure when we meet, we`ll make a beautiful couple.

i havent heard ya voice yet but im sure its soft and gentle
hopefully when we meet it will be so elemental.

when i look at you i feel deep buttaflies in my stomach
you dont know me and i dont know you
im lost like a blank check.

what is this that i feel
theres endliss things todo
should i approach you, tell you, what would you do
how can i feel this way and i dont even know you.

Dear Uncle Corey

Even though your not here with me, i hear you voice every  step of my way. I still remember the day that you left me, my heart broke in 2 pieces i couldnt even pronounce the syllables of you name. You were my favorite , and always will be. i remember the nicknames that you called me. it only sounded right when you said it. ill give up anything to hear your voice again. you aggrivated me to my last nerve, but i loved you and still do.i even remember when i was about to start head start and you told me that the teachers were going to call me princess :) i think about you all the time. I wonder are you watching me? are you listening to me when i talk to you while im driving? idk. i wish i knew though. I wonder what would it be like if you were still here?  your favorite song while you was alive was bowwow fresh az im is . lol. i used to love that song. when i look at your picture i see the glaring in your eyes. it makes me think of what you were thiking that night you died. why couldnt you just stay. why couldnt you just make it. at least for little corey ;( why why why. all the wonders and whys. i fell on my knees when i found out. that was the worst day of my life so far. its been almost  6 years that you have been gone but yet when i think about you i wanna break down and cry. but i hate to show my weaknesses. i wish you were here to see your child get older, to see boo going into her first year of highschool, to see andalyn and corah get older, to see jaiden, and to see me go into the military. but i know that your watching over all of us. I JUST WISH I CAN TOUCH YOU AND TALK TO YOU ONE LAST TIME!! WHY ME!! WHY US!!. when i saw you in your casket i was thinking to myself COME BACK UNCLE COREY, COME BACK PLEASEE!! begging and pleading for god to send you back.nana misses you alot.why couldnt you just hold on ?? ive never seen nana so devistated. but im here for her.we talk about you all the time and cry when we need to. but i know your in a better place than this cruel world. my heart still hasnt healed and i dont think that it ever will :( because i freaking miss you like no other. missing you is an understatement. i doing more than just missing that there is no word to explain it,, sometimes i wonder how would you look today? what would you be like? i try not to thnk about it but i just cant helpit

i love you uncle corey, never stopped never will. your always in my heart. i dont go a day without thinking about you; i guess i have to stop being selfish and except the fact that your in a better place. but i dont know how. ill try. see you later. this is not a good bye

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥



tyler

to live not to judge

as i walk down the city streets i cant help to think
all of that , that goes on as i blink

my palms are sweaty my hands are red
i just cant stop thinking "cant wait to get to my bed"

wherever it is, im just happy to get some sleep
ive been roaming around the city lights and the dark passage streets.

when people look at me, they think i have this great life
but what they dont know is, behind this pretty face of mine are the feelings i have to fight.

i never shed a tear even when i feel like crying,
ive even been in a point of my life, where i felt like dying.

im happy god let me stay,
he let me stay, even tho i tried to take my life away.

ive realized i do have something to live for,
a beautiful little brother thats been born and that i adore.

i seem him like my own child, someone know one can compete with
when i see parents not wanting there children, is somethng i will never get.

i have never judged anyone. whether is was from there looks of their hair due.
because i dont about what just like they dont know what I have been through.

i need to start expressing my feelings more. this diary of mine is not enough; it feels like i am about to explode sometimes. i feel like crying, and most of the time i dont know why. Is it because im regretting? or is it because im tryinq to find myself? Or maybe is it because i feel like nobodies here for me like i would be there for them? idk. but its killing and im about to bust. My heart is big , but i have no one to share it with

WHY?

I see people crying over one another, but in love with one another. its better than having no one right? but i think to myself is it really worth it to cry over someone when they do you so wrong. maybe, maybe not.

Ive been hurt so badly and so many times i dont expect no one to care. or im not suprised of what it will turn out in the end. because all i have to depend on is myself anyway right...

some people take advantage of when they have a good thing

I WISH

i used to be sad when people let me down but now im just like

FUCK IT AND FUCK THEM

My Inspiration

Hair goals: either one would work for me

Person: Nae are you scared to die?

ME: why be scared, life is a set up anyway

it has to end..tht contract will come

odd out

(Everything that is odd; is what I LOVE)

[ freckles, buck eyes, big feet, long necks, birthmarks, scars, bellybuttons,etc.]

thats what makes everyone different right.

its beautiful to me.

personally'

beauty

that person....

That person that you called fat has been dieting for months now. that person that you called too skinny doesnt have money to eat.
that person that you made fun of about their cloths are barely getting by with the rent.
that person that you mad fun of their hair, doesnt have enough money to go to a hair salon.
that person you call crazy coo coo, just doesnt see life as others would.
that person that you make fun of because of their homosexuality just wants someone to love them for who they are.
that person that you called ugly sat in the mirror all night trying to gain the confidense you lowered
that person that you called weird has cuts all over there arms trying to let go of the problems,1 cut was for what you said.
that person you hate because they dont talk has family problems at home.
that person that you pick on everytime you see them are planning on how they are going to kill themselves.

THE PEOPLE THAT MAKE FUN OF AND PICK.....GET A FUCKINN LIFE! and gain confidence.

neverending.



life as i see it



She slowly fading; as her knees become weak;

from the looks of it all she has to do in life is think;

she thinks about her dreams,and if they are ever going to come tru;

but it seems like theres is always a path to stop her from gettin all the way thru;

she doesnt have a boyfriend and is fine all alone;

she just thinks as the days go by and nods her head to the song;

she doesnt let anyone know; that she is slowly dying inside;

she takes care of the things and the rules she abides.

but now its that time where she can no longer hide the feeling;

her eyes water everytime the moments past of her memorys;

and the feelings are killing.

what to do now;

how to hide?

because everyday shes slowly fading inside.



-her secret,

She has a secret,

noone knows but that one person;

they met online, now that person is her other half;

she doest know what to do because she wants noone to know.

she doesnt even want that person to know how much they mean to her;

because shes confused about everything.

somethimes she loves, sometimes she dont

(or is that possible)

something has to come to an conclusion

a secret cant last forever

-nightmare,

shes exhausted, and ready to get a roof over her head;

finally her and her besfrennn have a place to sleep;

he was nice ,bought them something to eat and drink;

they thought it was all cool and collect, so they finally felt the need to sleep;

she was so sleepy ,the dreams she have everynight didnt even come about;

she moved in her sleep, just like most humans do;

instead of moving to go back to sleep, she moved to her heart beating;

beating until it felt like it was about to come out of her chest.

she felt air, flowing through her pajama pants;

she felt him on top of her, as if he didnt care if she were sleep or not.

she jumped up and yelled WTF! but in a whisper. and asked what was he doing;

as if she didnt know.

all he said was coming in here to crash with you ladies; its uncomfortable on the couch;

it was his bed ; his house. so what can she do;

he layed upon her back .gently rubbin on her.

she felt something wet in the middle of her back;

shes pinching her bestfrenn.,desperate for her to wake up;

this was no nightmare

i now hear the birds chriping,lights clicking, and everyone getting ready to start their day;

instead i sit hear in distraught and sadness,

the killing part about it is....

theres nothing i can point my finger on;

im just a big disaster all in one.

everything hurts.

im crushed;

and the only thing i ask is for someone to care.

is that so hard? what did i do?

instead of having a peacful sleep and jolly dreams;

i cry until i cant take it anymore

and fall asleep with demand.

as my pillow is wet the tears that rolled down my face.

instead of trying to catch them i let them fall.

i let them hit my shirt as if i didnt need;

i dont have anyone anyway;

-no im not okay..my heart♥is crushedd

what do you do when you cant sleep at night

and all you can hear is thoughts in your mind;

what do you do when the rain falls

and all you can smell is the natures essence.

what do you do when you feel like you have no life

and all you can do is sit in a dark room and listen to the melody of sound that the artist youre listening to

what do you do when your scared

and has no one to comfort nor hold you at night

what do you do when your thoughts take over

and all you can do is look up at the white ceiling in the dark

what do you do when you cry

but never knows what your crying for

well you wanna know what I do;

i think my life away and

I just wait...

p.s. YOU are the only one you have

memento mori:

dont forget your mantality,

we all came from a womens vagina,

no matter if your famous, poor ect.

we all have to die.

its lonely and dark;

the only thing glittering is her eyes.

from the tears about to roll upon her face;

shes sitting there thinking;

does he really love me,or is it just a game.

shell know pretty soon;

her pillows are wet;

and her hands are sticky,

from river flowing down her face;

her mind is wondering;

her stomach hurts,

and shes hungry.

shes pregnant;

there is silence;

the only thing you can hear is ,

the blood dropping frm her wrist.

shes waiting for the phone to ring;

thats all she wants to hear.

all of a sudden....

BOOM!

it sounds if someones knocking on the door;

she sits there in silence.

and is filled with fear;

she cant see nothing;

but the moon gazing thru the window.

and the shadow of her hair all over in the walls;

shes hallucinating;

CLICK!

she hears a clicking noise;

but doesnt see anyting in site.

her stomachs turning.

all of a sudden the noise goes away;

her mind is wondering everywhere.

and and the drugs are making her sweat and jumpy;

she couldnt take it anymore;

she grabbed the clip,she grabbed the bullet.

thought for second;

POW!

the phone rings.

but no answer....

shell never know;

the ex-file

sometimes i wonder, does he still love me?
NO; because idgaf!
sometimes i wonder, does he think about me when hes with her?
NO; because if he did he would be here and not there!
sometimes i wonder would i ever give him another chance?
NO; because i hate him!
sometimes i wonder, does he miss the hugs and the gloomy eyed stares?
NO; because he never cared!
sometimes i wonder, will we ever be friends again?
NO; because i wish we never met!
sometimes i wonder, was he ever in love?
NO; because who falls in love with someone like me?
sometimes i wonder, does he wish i would call him?
NO; because thats why this poem is called the EX-FILES`

were it all starteddd!

FAMiliA! TE AMO,

REAL mc`s (REAL HIPHOP)

goinnn to the gymm makess me sweat my problems out

real beauty; naturalbeauty<------

DREAM!

my dreams arent like everyone elses;
my dreams are sometimes to dark for me to handle;
i dream about fighting with animals;
surrounded by desert and its scortching hot;
to hot that i cant handle;
all of a sudden a big dog comes;
im competing with the dog;
i was allergic to the dog and my face swelled up in my dream;
iwake up thinking, what the hell type of dream was that?!
AND WHY DOES THE INSIDE OF MY UPPERLIP HURT?
(if it was just a dream)??

you may know me , but you dont know me

The gurl who hidd behind her hair

She wore earrings, weaves, and accesories to hide behind the hurt;

She couldnt stand being seen thru.

Her hair was beautiful and had many meanings to it;

She hated it.

She seemed happy all the time, quite jolly actually.;

If only the human beings surrounded her knew.

Human beings seemed to not understand her problems;

So she turned to her hair.

Her hair was permed, matted, and unhealthy;

She did it when she had nothing else to do.

Her hair got fed up with her taking out her problems on it, and gave up on her. didnt want to hear any non sense anymore;

She had no choice but to cut it off.

Her permed hair gave up on her;

And now her natural hair is here for her.

Her natural hair didnt care what anyone thought;

Her natural hair was healthy and thats what she needed.

When she cut her hair off, there was this releif that took over her with joy;

No more hiding.

Its the time to feel free of the stress and problems.

It was time to stop hiding behind her hair;

- Jhanee`

My dark side;

Alot of people seem to think they know me; well they DONT!

My name is jhanee; and thats what you know;

it going to stay like that,

welcome to my page!